I am a stubborn person. That is hard for me to admit because… well, I’m stubborn. This is a piece of my personality that I have not always liked a lot. I get an idea in my head and I feel stuck to it. Over the years, I’ve worked hard to be more flexible and fluid in life. I have been successful in a lot of ways, and others, not so much.

Recently, I’ve had to admit something to myself that’s been very difficult. One way that I’ve been very stubborn in the past 13 years of my life has been in regards to my Rheumatoid Arthritis. If you’ve read my past blog posts, you know my journey up to now. I took the meds, I stopped, I ignored, I faced things, I’ve treated naturally… and that’s kind of where I am now. I’ve never, however, been good at just giving myself space to feel what this actually is. I don’t think I’ve ever let myself feel all the feelings that go with this.

You guys, this SUCKS. It sucks so badly. I’m here to talk about how bad it sucks in a lot of ways and then to admit another really hard thing to admit.

My body hurts. I’m tired. I worry about my future daily. I worry about my children’s futures and my husband’s future. I fear that I’ll not be able to walk at some point, that my fingers will all point sideways, and that I won’t be able to do my beloved Buti Yoga. I am starting a YTT next month, and I’m scared about being able to be a good Yoga teacher in the future. I’m scared, I’m stressed and I’m tired.

I love to do yoga. I love to hike. I love to run with my kids and play. I love to walk down my stairs without limping. I love to get out of my car and be able to take a step without it feeling indescribably painful. I want to be able to do all of these things for so many years to come. I HAVE to be able to do these things. It is life for me. When I sit down for more than 5 minutes, my joints get comfortable being still. When I stand up and they’re asked to move again, it’s difficult. Mostly, it’s embarrassing. I try to take a normal looking step so that my husband won’t see me limp or wince in pain. I don’t like to make him worry. I push to look normal all of the time. I don’t let myself feel the pain. I don’t let myself be in the pain. I push it away. I tell myself that this isn’t going to be here forever. I tell myself that I can and will heal this.

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that I can and will heal this. But, I also believe that there has to be a certain amount of honesty with it. I think I need to be with my pain. I need to confront it. I need to ask it why it’s here and how it’s here to help me. I need to be with that for a while before we’re ever going to come to a place of understanding and complete this cycle. So, I’m here writing this honest post about this. I’m here telling you that it hurts. I’ve been more honest with my husband lately too. I’ve been telling him that it hurts and that I hate this. I’ve sat with this pain and I finally decided something very very important and very very difficult.

I need to get back on medication. Guys, I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is how badly it will hurt when I stand up. I walk down the stairs and my son watches me limp and wince. I shuffle around the house doing the morning things until my bones loosen up. Recently, it’s been so bad; I haven’t even done my workouts. I’ve let the pain take over. It’s been really bad.

The most disappointing thing about where I am now is that I’ve been strictly on the AIP diet since the end of February. I had a few slips, but for the most part, it’s been no grains, no dairy, no sugar, no nightshades, no beans or seeds or SO many things. I’ve gotten used to this way of eating. I’ve decided this route is not the one for me.

It’s extremely disheartening. I can’t even explain how it feels. When I started this, I did the research. I did the planning. I did the work and I’ve been successful. I was excited. I was full of hope. I thought this was it. So, it’s super hard for me to type this out. The AIP diet was not it. This is not the right path for me. I am in more pain now than I’ve been in for years. No joke. It’s bad.

I’m reading into the Medical Medium stuff now. I’ve read about that in the past and I didn’t do it because the AIP came so highly recommended. I wrote in a blog post in the past that eating meat didn’t feel right for me, but that I trusted the diet. Well, I’m back on that thought process. I’m slowly cutting meat out again. I’ve reintroduced Celery Juice (which is NEVER a bad idea). I’m getting back into a smoothie routine and I’ve ordered some protein to add to my smoothies to be sure to replace the protein in my diet. That’s where I am with the food. I’ll still stay away from grains and dairy and sugar.

And this; I have an appointment (over the phone) with my Rheumatologist tomorrow. I’m going to ask for medication. I’m going to do what she prescribes. I’m letting go of my stubbornness because I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO FUNCTION. I have to be able to think of things outside of my pain and fatigue. I have to get back on track in life for a while. I don’t even have the energy to plan a new diet and do the Medical Medium cleanse. I’m beaten down. I’m disheartened and I’m just tired of feeling in pain and tired.

If you suffer from an autoimmune disease or any kind of pain or suffering for any reason; I am not writing this to tell you to give up. In fact, I’m writing this to encourage you. Give yourself the space to feel. Give yourself space, to be honest with you. Give yourself the allowance to admit the pain and the grief and the difficulty. This is NOT easy. Every day is exhausting. It is so tiring to feel this way physically and mentally. This isn’t a game. It’s not a temporary thing. My dishonesty with others and with myself is not making it go away.

So, my new plan is to let myself sit here and cry right now. I’m allowed to. It feels good to write this down and to let myself feel. Then, I’ll talk with my doctor tomorrow and be honest with her. I’ll admit my stubbornness and my determination to her. I’ll make a new plan. I’ll get on some medication and that will help my body feel some relief. DAMMIT, I am beyond words excited to be able to walk and run and stretch and MOVE this sweet body of mine again. I deserve that. My body deserves this relief. Though I feel defeated, I feel stoked too.

I will most likely get on the meds for at least 6 months or possibly a year. I will give myself some time to enjoy life without this pain and exhaustion. I will put myself back together mentally. I will focus on some (REALLY BIG) changes that my family is working on together. I will re-energize myself to do the Medical Medium 3-6-9 cleanse and I will phase off of the medication again in the future. It is not my plan to be on these for life. It is my plan to heal myself. But it’s time for me to be honest, to give myself some space; to give my husband, kids, and ME a break from this hidden predator.

If you’re going through a similar situation I want you to know that I’m here. I recognize your struggle. Don’t hide guys. Let it out. Contact me if you need to. This isn’t easy and we can get through this together. There are things that can help us and it’s okay to use them; whether they sit well with us or not. Take advantage of them when you can because we deserve a break from this suffering. I am sending love to you all. Be love, be light, and give yourself some grace.